Not So Happy Holidays
by BookishTea
Summary: Kyle enjoys the holiday season. An old Christmas fanfic that I'd completely forgotten about until recently exploring my computer. You're welcome. (Kyman(if you squint))


Kyle lightly hummed under his breath, stirring his small metal spoon within his mug. The delicious and heady scent of hot chocolate wafted through the air, accented by the bobbing marshmallows and a blanket of whipped cream. He really should be going easy on the sugar, but he couldn't help the festive spirit that overtook him.

No dad, mom, or even Ike was home. And for once, Kyle got the chance to appreciate an empty home. Or at least until they came back from grocery shopping.

With great anticipation he raised his mug to his lips, ready to embrace the taste and warmth of his beverage. That is, until he heard it.

The roof above him gave a thud, and Kyle found himself frowning at the sound. He paused but then ignored it, blaming the noise on snow falling from the roof.

Again Kyle rose the mug to his lips and took a sip, a little annoyed when he tasted only a layer of whipped cream. Plunging his mouth further, then he reached the actual chocolate. What he wasn't expecting, however, was the harshness of the heat. Just as his lips met the scorching liquid, another thud echoed above him, much louder this time.

The noise had Kyle jumping in shock, which caused the hot chocolate to spill down the front of his thick and fuzzy sweater.

"Shit!" Kyle cursed, hurriedly placing his mug onto a kitchen counter and grabbed the closest cloth, trying to rub the large brown stain off of his chest. But whatever his frantic intentions, it seemed to be making the mess even worse, smearing it in fact.

Huffing with realization, Kyle tossed the rag to the side, utterly frustrated beyond belief.

 _ **Thud.**_

Furrowing his brow, Kyle lifted his eyes to the ceiling, squinting as if he could see what was happening above him. When the sound happened once again, this time further away from the kitchen, Kyle decided to follow it. This led him past the dining area, and finally to the living room.

Where the sound resonated from the chimney of all places, which was rather odd. Frowning, Kyle unlatched the grate to the fireplace, and peered up it. Only to sputter when soot fell from the sides and landed onto his face.

Removing his head and taking a couple of steps away from the darned thing, Kyle viciously rubbed at his face, trying to get the dark dust off.

With merely one eye opened and watching the fireplace as he continued his work, Kyle was fixated by more soot falling onto the brittle and cold wood logs.

 **Thud thud.**

Came the sound again, until finally something came crashing down. Just as a yell was beginning to develop in the back of Kyle's throat, the strange object emerged from the fireplace. The first thing to catch these narrowed eyes was the red fabric, a silken material dirty from making the long and grand descent down the chimney.

The white fur lining was turned grey from the soot, making the costume appear ratty. After a second had ticked by, Kyle suddenly realized what was going on, and what exactly was before him. This lumpy mass took a step beyond the fireplace, and rose to meet Kyle's questioning gaze. Then it struck him.

Eric Cartman was dressed like Santa Claus, and had climbed down his chimney, carrying a large cloth sack.

The thought had Kyle keeling over, howling with uncontrolled laughter.

"Ho ho ho! It's good to see you in a good mood, Kahl! Especially when Christmas is around the corner!" Eric sung jovially, absently fixing his crooked hat with a spare hand.

Paying his Jew friend/enemy little to no attention, lazily Eric searched within his sack for Kyle's present. Just as the young redhead was calming himself down, Eric handed the gift to him.

With only an occasional giggle to shake his chest, Kyle grabbed the cool object from Eric's meaty grasp. It was a silver frame, and inside it was a photo of Eric, posing as if he went to a photoshoot.

Casting a sultry wink to the camera, the image of Eric had Kyle choking on his own saliva. Ignoring the green bow on the side of the metal, the exact shade of Kyle's eyes, he looked up to find Eric putting his mother's silverware into the cloth sack.

Quickly he placed the frame onto the fireplace mantle, racing over to start a struggle with the younger boy.

"You better fucking stop that, you asshole!"

"This is the thanks I get for spreading joy through presents?! Wow, Kahl, you're such a Jew grinch! Ow! " He took a step back, cheek sore from where he had been hit. Spouting curses at one another, they fought over the bag, oblivious when priceless valuables fell out, or that they roughly clattered onto the floor.

 _RRRrrriipppppp_

"My bag! You ripped my fucking bag, you heartless Jew!"

"Serves you right, fatass!"

Onwards the image of Eric overlooked the fight, glinting within the morning's lighting as Eric realized he was fighting a losing battle. How he'd dropped the bag and made a mad dash to the front door with a handful of candleholders, and when Kyle tackled him.

The text that had been written on the frame's glass in permanent marker stood out, written in a lazy script as it read:

 _Merry Hanukkah, Jew!_

 _\- Love, the real festive light of your pathetic life, Eric C. XoXo_


End file.
